"I want someone to have sex with, who tells funny stories that go on slightly too long, who absentmindedly rubs my neck while we sit on the couch together, quietly reading separate books." ughhhh friend, i am manifesting this for both of us
We live in the world of AI and algorithms and they are not going away. But it’s true that an algorithm is never going to understand what we actually need, and then we blame ourselves when it doesn’t work. The people who feel most uncomfortable with the shallowness aren’t broken, they’re responding accurately to a broken environment. And the boredom isn’t indifference, it’s the honest signal that something important got stripped out of the process before it even started.
Professions run a version of the economy you describe here: they train 'display' rules in their members--what may be shown to be felt, and at what price--and a display rule practiced long enough stops being a performance, and becomes a capacity. That's the steeper cost hiding in your account of boredom as affectively cheap and reputationally free: what you practice not-showing gets harder, over time, to find at all. The armor, in short, works on its wearer. And the exchange with Betsy reads to me as more than vocabulary repair. 'Waiting' organizes a whole stretch of a life around the missing thing; refusing the word actually redistributes attention. I'd only add that the category error runs in the other direction too: a culture with a diagnosis ready for every visible want keeps structures invisible precisely by handing each habit of feeling an individual name.
I think we tend to romanticize what we don’t have. I mean yes the right kind of company, while probably doesn’t make you all of a sudden happy, it does improve your life, that’s true. But at some point it’s really a stroke of luck. So I personally decided to focus on things that I enjoyed where i could see the results of my daily efforts. It worked for me, but clearly your mileage may vary, as they say.
It depends what you mean by "intimate". So you say regularly spending time with friends, or living in a closed-knit community day in and day out does not suffice?
Groups of people that exhibit this behavior (e.g. in places along the Mediterranean sea or in Japan) are happier and live longer. I guess if you're ALSO happily married it's even better, but the "happily" does all the work there. I think it's also especially dangerous when one relies on their partner alone for all his/her social needs.
Believe me I am not pro marriage and have refused to participate in the ritual. Your comment said “focus on THINGS I enjoy in order to see results of your daily efforts… “ so it seemed to me that you were like suggesting opting out of relationality as an option. Also, humans are wired to be in close intimate family-like relationships in order to thrive. Not saying we’re good at it but …
I imagine you’re missing a whole slew of men if the weird soup bit isn’t in your profile.
hahahah! I loved the weird soup bit - that's what I was coming here to comment on! more weird soup for all!
"I’m not “waiting,” I’m half-assedly searching for a person to love with the same amount of attention and care I devote to picking a hangnail."
Ouch. There's so much ouch in this piece. "Very well done," he said as he crept away to lick his wounds.
"I want someone to have sex with, who tells funny stories that go on slightly too long, who absentmindedly rubs my neck while we sit on the couch together, quietly reading separate books." ughhhh friend, i am manifesting this for both of us
Truth. Beautifully written.
We live in the world of AI and algorithms and they are not going away. But it’s true that an algorithm is never going to understand what we actually need, and then we blame ourselves when it doesn’t work. The people who feel most uncomfortable with the shallowness aren’t broken, they’re responding accurately to a broken environment. And the boredom isn’t indifference, it’s the honest signal that something important got stripped out of the process before it even started.
Professions run a version of the economy you describe here: they train 'display' rules in their members--what may be shown to be felt, and at what price--and a display rule practiced long enough stops being a performance, and becomes a capacity. That's the steeper cost hiding in your account of boredom as affectively cheap and reputationally free: what you practice not-showing gets harder, over time, to find at all. The armor, in short, works on its wearer. And the exchange with Betsy reads to me as more than vocabulary repair. 'Waiting' organizes a whole stretch of a life around the missing thing; refusing the word actually redistributes attention. I'd only add that the category error runs in the other direction too: a culture with a diagnosis ready for every visible want keeps structures invisible precisely by handing each habit of feeling an individual name.
I think we tend to romanticize what we don’t have. I mean yes the right kind of company, while probably doesn’t make you all of a sudden happy, it does improve your life, that’s true. But at some point it’s really a stroke of luck. So I personally decided to focus on things that I enjoyed where i could see the results of my daily efforts. It worked for me, but clearly your mileage may vary, as they say.
Humans are relational and literally need intimate relationships to remain sane.
It depends what you mean by "intimate". So you say regularly spending time with friends, or living in a closed-knit community day in and day out does not suffice?
Groups of people that exhibit this behavior (e.g. in places along the Mediterranean sea or in Japan) are happier and live longer. I guess if you're ALSO happily married it's even better, but the "happily" does all the work there. I think it's also especially dangerous when one relies on their partner alone for all his/her social needs.
Believe me I am not pro marriage and have refused to participate in the ritual. Your comment said “focus on THINGS I enjoy in order to see results of your daily efforts… “ so it seemed to me that you were like suggesting opting out of relationality as an option. Also, humans are wired to be in close intimate family-like relationships in order to thrive. Not saying we’re good at it but …
preach